Monday, May 08, 2006

Beating Back the Tsunami of Sin

Here's another letter to our President from that misogynous neocon, Belacqua Jones.




Dear George,

Stop the presses; I have a hot nominee for the Medal of Freedom.

George, there are Christians and then there are Christians. However, the one I have in mind makes all the others look a bunch of crack whores turned loose in a boys’ locker room. I am speaking of none other than the pastor of the Landover Baptist Church, Pastor Deacon Fred. He first came to the public’s attention when he uncovered the homosexual motif in Disney’s Finding Nemo, warning America that the bright colors and hues of the fish were, “trails of poop leading right up to the rabbit hole of homosexuality.”

As noble as were his efforts to protect the children of America from the Disney fifth, he really deserves the medal for a movement he is spearheading that will save America from falling into the depths of depravity and degradation. The good pastor is petitioning Congress to outlaw tampons, which he describes as, “Satan’s cotton fingers.” To which I say, why stop there! Get rid of the sanitary napkins, too. If a handful of moss was good enough for Eve, it is good enough for today’s woman. Besides, everyone knows the monthly flow has nothing to do with ovulation. It is the blood of penance shed in payment for Eve’s original sin. God threw in cramps and PMS as a bonus, sort of like a double-stamp day at the supermarket.

While we are at it, let us go after another symbol of feminine depravity, pubic hair. Yes, Brothers and Sisters, I am talking about that Delta of Venus that conceals the pearly gates through which men tumble downward into the fiery pits of hell where Satan roasts their gonads on the tines of his pitchfork. It is the duty of every Christian male to seize the nearest female, hold her down, shave, then wax, and finally Simonize that pube ‘til the mons veneris shines, creased as it is by the tiny slit that…

But I digress.

Honor Pastor Deacon Fred, George. Satan trembles every time He hears Pastor Fred’s name, for the Evil One knows Pastor Fred will wrestle him to the ground, bite his nose off and practice anal penetration with His horns. Pastor Fred is the point man in our bid to return America to the decency that was once hers before women got the vote.

Your admirer,
Belacqua Jones




Note: Anyone interested in a well-executed parody should go to www.landoverbapgist.org. All of the above quotes are from their webpage. --t

6 Comments:

Blogger Thursday Next said...

Belacqua, I'm not sure but I think I love you! My pet dodo Pickwick wants to know if she can have your love child?

9:30 PM  
Blogger Tiresias said...

Only if Pickwick has found Jesus. B.

2:42 AM  
Blogger Karen M said...

Sounds like we might create some new life forms here.

Better find a good patent lawyer...

9:00 AM  
Blogger Thursday Next said...

Belacqua: Pickwick says she didn't know Jesus was missing. Did you look between the cushions on the couch?

10:34 AM  
Blogger Tiresias said...

Karen,
My genes were patented by Genotech ages ago. My offspring are all someone else's intellectual property.

Thursday Next,
Tell Pickwick she will surely burn in hell.

6:15 PM  
Blogger Thursday Next said...

B: Pickwick prefers a gentle braising.

9:39 PM  

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