Saturday, April 29, 2006

A Unified Theory of Everything

When you were young, I am sure your mothers told you that girls develop faster than boys do. What they didn’t tell you is that the boys don’t catch up until their 50s or 60s, if at all. Many old codgers go to their graves still trying to figure it out. I mention this because it is an undeniable fact that if you scratch any world crisis you will probably find a group of men carrying on like a gaggle of eighth graders, so it is possible we could be looking at a unified theory that explains everything that is wrong in the world. Simply stated, the world is going to hell because we’re the poor bastards who have to get it up. That’s the long and the short of it, both literally and figuratively. There’s no way we can fake it, so we pose and posture as we swing our gonads as if they were weapons of mass destruction. It’s the crotch that retards our emotional development. Couple that with the fact that after sex we need a cigarette and twelve hours of sleep while a woman can go on and you see why men need human sacrifice, slaughter, and big belt buckles to feel whole.

However, God, in his wisdom, built in an anecdote for this madness. As a man ages, his brains begin to drift upward from his crotch towards his skull. This is a very liberating experience because it expands the vision and makes a man more open to the possibility of acquiring some wisdom. This also explains why society marginalizes the elderly. To protect itself from this wisdom, civilization created Viagra. All a man had to do was pop a bill and the brains went careening right back to his crotch. It was thus that civilization discovered that the most dangerous creature on the face of the earth was a 55-year-old man with a boner. So, unless Birdie can radicalize her Avon customers, I’m afraid we are damned. This is especially so because we have a sixth grader in the White House whose poll numbers are plummeting and who knows that if he blows the midterms he could be looking at an impeachment. He is also eyeing a Middle Eastern country that is enriching uranium. Finally, he has no qualms about the preemptive use of nuclear weapons. You do the math.

Of course, only a man could develop a unified theory of everything built around the gonads. I guess that’s what you get for beating the crap out of a male snake.[1]


[1] According to legend (one of several different ones), Tiresias came across two serpents copulating. He killed the female snake and because of that was changed into a female. Some years later, he again came across two serpents copulating. This time he killed the male and was changed back into a man. Because of his experience with both sexes, Zeus and Hera asked him to settle a dispute. Zeus claimed a woman got more pleasure out of sex while Hera claimed it was the man. Tiresias said it was the woman, which enraged Hera so she blinded him. Zeus, feeling sorry for him, gave him a staff that acted as his eyes and the gift of prophecy. In Sophocles’ Oedipus Rex, Oedipus asks Tiresias to find the truth about his parents. The rest, as they say, is history.


Blogger Michael Parker said...

Great post, Tiresias!

2:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

As counter examples there are Margaret Thatcher, Golda Meir and Indira Ghandi.

I truly wish that it was only men who started wars, then we could put an end to them. It seems that ovaries too can inflame their bearers to war.

7:59 AM  
Blogger Tiresias said...

You make a good point, though in the cases you've cited, I suspect men were their role models.

10:45 AM  
Blogger Lyssa Strada said...

Yes and yes... and there are also some men who are pacifists and others who are not, but still do not choose to abuse their authority or power. Some of these men are even contributing to this blog.

However, the reason this blog exists is that, overall, men have way too much power in this world compared to women (just as they did in ancient time), and they are not using it judiciously enough.

11:14 AM  
Blogger NotSoccer Mom said...

so true, so true. glad i came across this blog; i'll be reading it often.

11:44 AM  

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